Hi everyone, I hope your holiday season has been peaceful and joyous in spite of all the challenges we are facing with the virus, stress of the election, social distancing, etc. What a nightmare this year has been.
For the first time in my entire life, I will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone. I was going to try and get my daughter to come, but she’s gone missing from my life again and doesn’t reply to my texts.
I think I’ve spoken to my daughter once, maybe twice since I’ve been back. She says the right things, but goes right back to blowing me off for weeks or months at a time. It’s very obvious she doesn’t have interest in sharing any part of her life with me. At the risk of sounding dramatic, she really doesn’t care what happens to me or if I’m alive or not. She doesn’t hate me at all, it’s just complete apathy. In my mind apathy is worse. At least hatred requires some emotion.
I’m extremely stressed at thoughts of the future. At housing, finances, employment, health, all of it.
Sometimes I wonder if leaving the DR was the best thing. While it feels so good to be back in civilization, the mountain in front of me is daunting. At least in the DR I could afford my own place and nobody cared whether I worked or not.
So that’s my ray of light today. Holidays suck, solitude is my life, and I’m scared about my life.
Merry Christmas. Me, I think it will just be Friday for me. Let the coping mechanisms begin.