Depression Confessions

Hello everyone 🙂

My heart is heavy today, actually the last couple of days. And I need to talk about it.

For starters, let me say that as a rule, people here shame me for grieving. This isn’t the case with EVERYONE – but a large part of the people I have spent time with in the DR quite simply have very little compassion or understanding, and they are of the 1950’s belief that you just pull up your boot straps, get over shit and move on. If you are in a sad place, something is wrong with you and you really should hide that because it’s boring, nobody cares, you’re a negative person, and nobody likes you. This, I learned quickly and harshly.

As Mr Rogers’ mom said, “Look for the helpers”. Fortunately for me, there are helpers and beautiful souls who do understand that there are many layers to a person and that I am much more than just this mood or that state. There are those helpers who cared enough about human connection to do just that – connect with me. I think maybe they’re surprised to find out I’m not the loser that others think I am, and I can tell you I’ve had some of the sweetest and most fun times with them. They are my people. They’re messy, they’re complicated, they’re dealing with their own stuff, they’re honest, they’re authentic, and they’re there. For good days or bad. They don’t say stupid shit like “well you have a lot to be thankful for!” or “well you know, the reason everything is sad is your fault for looking at it that way”.

Anyway, suffice it to say I have very limited outlets for my feelings and learned very fast that it’s not everyone is “safe” to be yourself with. I used to wish I could help them understand me, but then I realized that I have no desire to spend time with human beings who can be mean and who can judge anyone in my situation so I no longer have the need to earn their respect or affection.

But let’s talk about this. Let’s talk about how some days it’s all I can do to get dressed. Or some days, the thought of leaving my house is paralyzing. Let’s talk about how the chronic physical pain adds to the sadness. The medications that are kicking my ass, all in the name of some sort of improvement on the physical side. Let’s talk about the added element of PTSD and waking up to night terrors and voices and replays of horrific moments in time. Let’s talk about waking up in another country with a dead husband and the number of people you can really trust in your country is like, three – and there’s a whole faction out there that has belittled you, lied about you, and left you with nothing. Let’s talk about the friends you thought you had; the ones who said how much they loved you and yet never reach out; the ones who promised they would come to see you yet there’s been not a mention; the ones who have stopped messaging and barely reply to you when you message them. Let’s talk about the HELLIDAYS. OMG, it’s brutal and painful and sad to live through this time of year. Let’s talk about how in spite of all of these forces I managed to find a house, I am working on finding a car, I am building a small business and making income, I am taking excellent care of my dogs and the house, and I am making time to build the connections with the few people who don’t choose to think they are above me. I am actually creating a life, all by myself, in another country. Nobody gave me this house. Nobody is giving me money. Nobody is supporting me.

Yes, I have really bad days. And I have really good ones too. Do I suffer from depression? Absolutely. PTSD? Yes. Does that mean I don’t have joy? A sense of humor? Have fun? Absolutely not. Do these conditions define me? Absolutely not. They’re just another layer.

Every day starts anew with a beautiful view, a delicious cup of coffee, time with my life dogs, and a fresh slate. Some days are so amazingly happy, and others are empty. This is life. And anyone who represents themselves as always happy and always grateful and always on the sunny side is full of shit. Because newsflash friends: this is the human condition. We are not robots. We aren’t always “on” and anyone who claims they are is lying to themselves and to you.

Depression isn’t an attitude. PTSD isn’t “hanging onto the past”. Grief isn’t a mood or a choice to be sad. This shit is real. It’s hard. It feels insurmountable some days. I wish he had never died. I wish I had never ended up “relying” on others. I wish I wasn’t a widow. But I’m not going to hide from it either. I wish everything was different. But it’s not.

In the very beginning of this hell or as I call it the Life Sentence, a friend Cheryl (who just recently passed away from cancer 😥 because why the fuck not), told me something I will always remember. When Michael got diagnosed she reached out to me and asked me if I wanted to hear the good news. And the good news was that when this was all said and done, I’d know who my real friends were. She told me, even those who were there during the worst may not turn out to be my people. She told me that I would lose far more than just my husband. But what I’d be left with would be a treasure. And she was right on every single count.

I have lost much of what I “thought” I had, but anything I have lost wasn’t mine to begin with. I have in my hand a few beautiful diamonds, and I’m slowly adding another one here or there. The coal has all fallen away, and while it was and is a painful process, who wants a handful of coal anyway. It just gets everything dirty and taints everything it touches.

My diamonds know who they are.  I will always treasure them and carry them with me. The ones in the DR have had such an amazing impact on my life and have given me so many reasons to keep going.  And I do have true friends in the states, those who talk to me late at night or send me a quick message to tell me they miss me or they’re proud of me. They tell me the drama in THEIR lives because they trust I’m not a fragile cracker and that maybe, just maybe, I can be of help.  Leaning on me shows faith in me.

And that’s all. All we can do is the best we can do. We can choose to be diamonds or we can choose to be coal. There’s nothing “wrong” with me. And the diamonds know that. The coal isn’t for any of us to worry about. All you’ll get is dirty hands.

Peace,

~ Lisa

 

From Barrio to Opera – Finding my Groove!

Hello everyone! Wow what an amazing week I have had really enjoying and seeing so much more of this beautiful place where I live.

One day this week, I spent the day with my good friend Nancy. Nancy is a New Yorker (Brooklyn baby!) but she’s been here for many years. And Nancy ain’t screwin’ around. Nancy lives in Puerto Plata right in a barrio. And hanging out with her was awesome. She taught me how to make rice old school, and showed me the Dominican washing machine OMG…her house is tiny but has everything you would need. In her living room, one chair and a motorbike parked so it doesn’t get vandalized or stolen outside.

Then we went out on the bike! I was on the back of a moto for the first time. Part of Puerto Plata day was getting a hot fresh-made empanada from a little hole in the wall (literally). SO delicious. This little video at the very end, you will see the empanada hole in the wall. 🙂

 

Then we went to the port. It was cruise ship arrival day so Nancy knew that the vendors would be out selling their little knick knacks. So we bummed around there, there’s an AWESOME amphitheater, and then we cruised through town on the moto. MOTO!!

 

We stopped and saw umbrella street and the pink street. Went back to Nancy’s and had real Dominican food (minus the meat!). It was just a fabulous day that was so good for my soul and my mood. I can’t wait to do it again. I put the photos of Puerto Plata into a slideshow.

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Then Thursday, I went to the horse ranch where I’m volunteering for them to help them raise some funds and awareness. Angela and her brother Manuel are seriously some of the most pure, accepting, kind, grateful, humble and insightful people. Angela is with her horses like I am with my dogs. Excellent care for every animal in her care. The ranch currently has 17 horses, a donkey, two geese, some chickens, a rooster and some dogs. ❤ All in the most beautiful and peaceful setting. Angela and I are becoming friends and we don’t speak the same language. It’s almost comical. She speaks FRENCH. And I DON’T. She speaks NO English. And we both speak AWFUL and VERY LITTLE Spanish. LOL but somehow we connect and we laugh and communicate. Manuel and Angela are also musicians. Angela is a vocalist. When I arrived this week, I accidentally interrupted their rehearsal. When they told me to sit and enjoy, I was STUNNED when Angela opened her mouth to sing. STUNNED. Out of her tiny body and soft spoken demeanor, the most powerful voice came.  It gave me chills. She was rehearsing, Manuel on the keyboard, dogs lying around, horses in the distance. Just ethereal.

Donkey name Ghandi with an injured foot.

One of the beautiful horses getting his daily grooming.

 

Thursday was just that – Thursday. And I like it that way. After I went to the ranch,  I went out to the local watering hole with a couple of friends. It was a nice, chill, no-pressure day.

Happy Thursday!

Today, my foster girl Rae left on a jet plane to meet her new family in Canada! We will miss her a lot, but she’s going to have a wonderful life. She was with us for a couple of months!

Sweet life, baby girl! 

This was by far the absolute best week I’ve had.

When I decided to move here, I didn’t want to live like an American in another country. I didn’t want to live in the all-white gated communities because I felt like, why live behind a gate? If you live here, you live here. But after the robbery, I feel differently. ONLY because I am alone. If I were here with Michael we would never live in this house. He would have laughed at the idea and told me to come down from the pedestal and reminded me that we aren’t big huge McMansion people. Truthfully the house is uncomfortable in that it’s too much. It’s so big. SO BIG. Much more than I need. But I digress.

I can live behind a guarded gate and still not let my life be whitewashed. I have ALWAYS really dug diversity and I’ve always really dug people that can just be. No plans. No money needs to be spent. Just come over and we’ll screw around or hang out or go act like tourists. Come over and hang out with horses and share some coconut water and listen to people’s dreams. My circle of friends is SO diverse and I’m loving the way my life is setting up. I don’t need to surround myself with people like me. I need to grow and explore and take it in and DO. I don’t mind being the only person that looks like me in a whole crowd. I LOVE it. I love to look at my circle of friends and realize they are all so interesting and so different but yet there’s a way to connect with them all.

And I just ended the week by announcing publicly that I am moving on from my rescue and the DR rescue. It was incredibly freeing and felt really good. I also finalized some chats with an upstart rescue in the US who is focused on the China Dog Meat Trade. I am officially taking on their communications. It’s bittersweet because it carries a very heavy responsibility with it, and I know it’s going to be emotionally draining, hard work. But I have decided that while I serve my life sentence I’m going to LIVE. I’m going to travel to China. I’m going to do everything I can to bring light to the subject.  It crosses into some grey areas for me…such as, how do I advocate about this without preaching vegetarianism? It’s a whole other topic for another day, but there’s an invisible line somewhere saying it’s okay to kill certain animals to eat them and not others. I’m a veggie for those that don’t know.

And that wraps up my week in pictures and video! Just a happy week. The first of many now that I’m in a good headspace.

I hope you’ve all hung in there, and if you’re a holiday loather I hope you made it through the first wave alright. The next month is going to be a sick torturous ride of merriment and happy families. Hang on tight.

Peace,

~ Lisa

Improvements and Setbacks

Hello everyone! Well here we are, Thanksgiving week. Is everyone planning their traditional feast?

TGiving was never a huge deal to me or in my house. More than anything, it became a nice long weekend for Michael and me to spend together, we’d work on things around the house, maybe go see a movie or binge on something at home.

More than anything, it marks the beginning of a painful season. The holidays just suck. This is my first AWARE TGiving without him. Last year I was still in a haze. Not this year. Christmas music, food, lights, decorations, they’re everywhere. And it hurts.

There are some good things happening:

My pills are WORKING. My hands and my elbows always show signs of flare-ups and damage. My index fingers are pivoting inward…the fingernail is starting to face the finger next to it. My second flip-off fingers are also starting to go astray and bend and pivot. Nodules appear on my fingers, elbows and toes. So…I’m in the midst of a flare-up right now, but the pain is minimal. I’m able to go down the stairs normally instead of one leg, one step at a time. I can ALMOST make a fist. Things are improving.

In other news, last week I did a video/fundraising day for the rescue in DR. I have also been openly letting people know that I’m looking for freelance work. All of that came together in the past few days. The video was the catalyst for a couple of people to reach out to me for work, and then I was also recommended for a really exciting project by a friend and business contact. I had worked with her before and have known her a few years. She is quite successful and well known in non-profit world. And it made me feel really wonderful to know that she thinks enough of me to recommend me to someone. So…I’m potentially looking at a nice body of work doing some really exciting stuff with a rescue.  I’m excited to exercise my work and brain muscles again. I’m also really excited because I’m also going to start helping a local horse rescue that’s right by my house with their communications and marketing and fundraising. And horses! I’ll get to know horses.

I still love the house I’m living in. It’s a lot of work because it’s big. I don’t even go into the extra bedrooms except to steal the furniture in them for other places in the house, and to vacuum and clean up. I still think the kitchen is WAY too tiny. But I love it here. The view, the quiet, the security, the location. It’s a good place for me and the girls. I’m going without some basic “luxuries” like cable tv and the internet leaves a lot to be desired, but that’s because construction is concrete. No drywall here!

I had a meltdown this weekend. Was talking with a friend and told her that it felt like Michael died today. And that really, it feels like he dies every day. I’m backsliding in my process. I don’t call it losing progress because this isn’t a race and there is no finish line. This is the life sentence. Or as this article says, “Dying to Leave, Trying to Live”. I feel a bit better today, exhausted from my meltdown but that also is part of life after Michael.

I was really proud of myself last night. It was my friend’s birthday and she was going out to the local watering hole. I felt kinda cruddy from the poison pills and decided I wasn’t going to go. But I changed my mind. Went out, parked and walked to the place by myself, and hung out for a couple of hours and a couple of beers. This is BIG stuff for an introvert. Progress. 🙂

Lastly, I have decided to adopt my foster dog. He’s special needs. We thought he was paralyzed, but he’s not. He has spinal injuries but he is able to move his legs and we are doing lots and lots of PT with him. He is SUCH a good boy and he’s a LOVE. And the girls like him too. So, he’s staying. We’re attached to each other. Meet Walter. ❤ He’s a few years old, about 30 pounds, and he has a long way to go to get shiny and healthy and mobile. I’m looking forward to watching him get stronger and more active. ❤

So once again this year, Thanksgiving will instead be called Thursday. I have plans to go work at the horse ranch because they are having a Thursday too. ❤

Have a beautiful Thanksgiving with those you love, and extend a loving hand to those who may be alone.

Peace,

~ Lisa

Pleased to Meet You?

I’m a research geek. Whenever I am trying to improve something about myself or understand anything in the world, I research it and delve into it and try to understand it better.

In all my research, there is no correlation between how a person handles grief and anything else. Some people can really put it away, others feel paralyzed for years and years. There is no predictor or commonality between the two extremes. Age, circumstances of death, length of relationship, social or economic status. Grief isn’t a choice and everyone processes it differently.

Having said that, I also really try to learn from my mistakes and I really try to understand them so that I don’t repeat them.

And here’s what I have learned…

Meeting people and trying to build new relationships during the worst time in your life, is a bad idea. A really bad idea.

Grief turns you into a person you don’t know. You are emotional, sensitive, at times irrational, at times too trusting, at times not trusting enough. For me personally, Michael is always present in my mind and heart, but it’s not just Michael. It’s his absence that screams at me. And the PTSD kicks in frequently. It takes a toll on you to watch the love of your life deteriorate in 7 weeks and die. You see, there was no nurse or doctor to call. There was no morphine drip. No aides. There was no hospital staff to come and help with meds or to help with physical tasks. It takes a toll hearing screams and wailing for hours a day, or hearing the person you love screaming that he doesn’t want to die. It takes a toll tending to their every need when they are inconsolable, in pain, or in a moment where they are raging at you. It takes a toll to go through this just MONTHS after going through the same thing with your father, all the while trying to be present but at the same time process that you are losing everything that matters right in front of your eyes. Be strong for him, you tell yourself. Because although you are losing him and you’re terrified, he is losing EVERYTHING and grieving his ENTIRE LIFE.  Take care of him. He needs you. You have plenty of time to be scared later.

It has changed me. I am quite often surprised at the emotions that come up and the timing in which they occur.

I’m not in a constant state of depression. I am emotionally all over the place, and that leads to high highs and low lows. It leads to me choosing to be alone a lot of the time because I don’t trust myself in public situations very often. I’m not a sad person; quite the opposite. I experience and seek out joy and new experiences and chances to grow and improve as often as I’m able. I laugh a lot. I cry a lot too, but there’s more to me than sadness.

Things in the DR got off on a bad foot. Things happened, things were said, things were done, and through all of it I’ve been hurt and frustrated and scared. And really examining it lately, I realized…these people have only known me through the worst time of my life. A time when I am lost and lonely and trying to learn how to live alone for the first time ever, and a time when my life support system has vanished. My dad leaving just months before Michael, my friends at home who have lives to live, my circle. Add to that my physical situation that I’m working on addressing and living in a new country (alone), and it just amounts to the fact that my start-over was a fucked-up mess because I was a fucked-up mess.

I’m told by people who know these things that I’m doing really well and I shouldn’t be worried about my process at all. I’m told that the steps I have taken since he passed are signs of strength and hope and wanting to improve my outlook and the rest of the days I have to serve the life sentence. And I do believe that in familiar company that may be true. But trying to start a new life with strangers who know nothing more than this emotional and lost side is a recipe for failure.

There are a few people who have gotten to know me personally. They know I have kids. They know where I’m from and things I like. They know stories and they’ve shared laughs. We’ve found things in common and basis for friendships. They know a little more about me as a human than most others here do, and I THINK those relationships are blooming.

When things here get overwhelming, I talk to my core people who knew and loved me before death changed me. And they’re loving and supportive. They’re my cheerleaders. They’re my laughers and my criers. They’re my compass to who I used to be. They knew me when I was at my best, not just at my worst.

So today I let all my frustrations go. I realize that I’ve given nobody reason to think anything differently of me, and I accept that because I can’t change it and because I cannot control my process or my feelings or the way I handle this loss.  All I can do is apologize when I’ve wronged someone, try to help others understand me if they choose to, and put one foot in front of the other.

For any other new widows who may be reading this, here’s the other thing I’ve learned. Give yourself a full year after loss before making life-changing decisions. One full year. I didn’t. And I should have.

There are some good things happening in my life :). I was offered a position with a US rescue yesterday, and I’ve also been approached by several people in response to my posts seeking freelance writing work. After some thought and talking with a couple of trusted friends, I decided rather than accept a full time position with this rescue, I am going to instead be a consultant working with non-profits and small businesses to help them organize, establish, market, fund raise, write, and communicate. I already have three private clients not including the US Rescue, so I think maybe I’m finding a niche. Time will tell! This will give me an excellent diversity in my days as well as the freedom to work as I wish, travel when I need or want to, pay the bills, and not be tied directly to any one operation. It will allow me to help whomever I want or whatever cause I believe in. And give me time to just be.

Take care of you, friends.

Peace,

~ Lisa

 

I’ll be in the fetal position if you need me

Hello readers,

Welcome to the wonderful and wacky world of being smacked in the face with the suckitude of loss at random times for no real reason.

Yesterday was a long day, I had to go to court almost 2 hours away to see the dude who robbed me and stole my car, waited for hours only to be told there was an extension. Not a big deal I have come to expect this nonsense here in the DR. Got home and was talking to a friend about plans this weekend. Was tired so I logged off and went to bed early-ish.

And woke up so many times I lost count. Not because I woke up, but because I woke up in tears. Inconsolable sadness. Missing Michael. I’d drift off and start to dream about him, and then wake up and sob myself back to sleep. On it went until 4:15 when I finally got out of bed.

Checked my emails and learned that someone very special to me lost her battle with cancer yesterday and is with the angels.

So many thoughts…here we go on the random ride that is my brain.

On death:

• Why do we feel bad for the dead? “Oh poor Michael, why did he have to die?” is something I’ve heard more times than I can count. I believe it was a gift to him for being a superb human being. Living this life is not fun or easy. The good ones are just that. Too good for this hell.
• When are we as a society going to give a shit about the survivors? I literally can’t believe that I was told to get over my grief. It’s 2019, assholes. Read an article. Learn. Or shut your mouth.

On being victimized:

• I was at court yesterday and sitting very close to a person who has wronged me. There was no pretense of friendship, no feelings of “I better not say anything because I don’t want to start a big thing”. Is there a difference in levels of wronging someone? Is his robbery worse than or better than a rape? What about kicking a dog? What about being just a shitty person and intentionally hurting someone? Where does that fall on our spectrum? In my world, there are no levels. You wrong someone, you wronged them. You hurt someone, you APOLOGIZE. You don’t justify.
• Let me be clear. I’ve been wronged. In a big way. In the DR. I’m not sure how to talk about it without stooping to the level of those who have wronged me, so I’m choosing not to talk about it. I will just say that gaslighting is a very real thing. 

And finally, on holidays.

I don’t remember last year. I know I was completely alone on Thanksgiving. I remember this because it was my first real consideration of suicide. I don’t remember Christmas or New Year’s or anything else.

Thanksgiving was a special time for Michael and me. None of our kids seemed to really want to participate in our lives very much, so we always made it our own. We’d offer the open house meal and a couple of kids would stop by for a bit, but the rest of the 4 day weekend was ours. We made mexican food and binge-watched shows. We drank mimosas for breakfast. We always fit a date or two in there, and really just enjoyed each other’s company. It was OUR four days every year to just be together and form our own traditions. Obviously that era ended abruptly, as the very first Thanksgiving weekend without him I was desperately alone for 4 days. Sure, I got the pity invites but sitting at a table with a bunch of strangers who know me as the woman whose husband just died was not my idea of pleasantry.

And now it’s coming. And so is Christmas. So are the traditions, the love, the merriment. This is my first holiday season away from anyone in my former life, and I’m dreading Christmas most of all. I wish I could cancel it. I wanted to bring my daughter down, but she wants to come in January instead. I’m dreading it all.

Any maybe all of this is why I was waking up from dreams of him and sobbing. I miss him. I’ll never NOT miss him. I’ll never be able to joke with him or feel his arms around me. I’ll never get another trademark Michael hug, or watch Breaking Bad with him. I’ll never smell him, as the smell has left all of his tshirts I kept. I’ll never hear him. He’s just. Gone.

And I’m giving myself permission to curl up into a ball.  Judge if you want. I don’t care. This is my process. MINE. And I need to curl up in a ball and cry today. Not for Michael. He’s in no pain. I’m gonna cry for ME. Because I need to.

Over and out. And as always,

Peace.

~ Lisa

 

One thing leads to another

Hello friends!

I was gearing up to post all kinds of photos of the house (I’ve been here 2 weeks now – yay!) and updates about my dogs. I was going to chat about some philosophy kinda stuff.

Then the wave hit and it got bigger and bigger. Then, I wasn’t going to post about it because I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. THEN, I realized hey…this is a blog about being a widow for shit’s sake. So tonight I’m writing about being a widow.

Can I just say, it SUCKS being a widow. It really does. The person I loved most, the person I trusted most, the person who knew me best has been just erased from this world. What the fuck? Sometimes it still stops me in my tracks.

I had a great day yesterday. Got my hair done, went to lunch, rearranged and kicked ass in the house and I love my living room right now. Put almost everything away where it will live for the time I live in this house. Had a good night’s sleep. Doggies and I all slept in until almost 8am! Had a lovely morning and was looking forward to going to trivia this afternoon.

And then out of the blue, for no reason I can remember, I thought…”where’s my passport?”. Realized I couldn’t remember the last time I saw it, or if I EVER saw it at this house. What followed was a panicked, frustrating frenzy. I looked in every drawer, every piece of paper, every notebook, every nook and cranny. Went through old purses. Looked in empty suitcases. Nowhere.

Now, there’s nothing I can do about it today. And it’s not a tragedy. It can be replaced. But dammit. It’s here. I couldn’t have really LOST it.

I went to trivia and it was fun. There were a couple of triggers for me, but I’m getting much better at not letting the triggers overtake me, or at least not for long. I worked through them and maintained for the most part.

Came home and started frantically searching again. Maybe it appeared in that drawer since the last time I looked? I don’t know.

And then I got pissed. At him. I’ve noticed it a few times over the last couple of weeks, maybe when I started moving. I am pissed at my dead husband. And that feels like shit. I’m pissed that he left me. I’m really pissed that because he left me, I ended up in a far away place experiencing some pretty soul-crushing shit. I ended up in a big empty house, setting up my own place for the first time.

Now, I’m making some wonderful friends. People who I thought were my friends aren’t actually, and that was and is a FAST lesson here. There are still things I’m not ready to talk about that have happened here. I’m learning every day, and the Facebook unfollow/ hide options are becoming my best friend.

The flip side of my life (there’s always a flip side) is that I am feeling so much more like me. Being in a house that I chose, being able to sleep with windows open, being away from the drama that was turning me into a person I didn’t recognize or like very much, and just giving myself time without a bunch of pressure have all been really good for me. I just needed time. And kindness.

I just got word that a good friend is coming to visit me in January. This feels amazing too. She will be the first person that has made an effort to actually get here to see me. And that’s pretty special. I’ve always been the person going to see everyone else. Whether it was a transport run or getting on a plane or driving, I have always been the person who visits. So it’s nice that someone wants to see me enough that they are coming to ME. ❤

I’m supposed to have court this week for the douchebag that robbed me. Supposed to, meaning I’ve gotten no confirmation of that. I’m taking my second round of medications tonight. Nathan my foster boy is getting neutered on Tuesday thank goodness!

And my self-help project of the week is letting shit go. I have to stop obsessing or fixating on things. I’m finding more and more that I do obsess, and I think it’s because I don’t have anyone to balance me out. The life of being single at 51 for the first time in your life; being used to having someone to come home to or talk with and bounce ideas off. Knowing that even if people are asses, it’s okay because you have your biggest fan at home. I’m getting there. It’s a slow walk but let me tell you, it has changed me. I have re-evaluated and re-prioritized literally every aspect of my life. Every relationship, every task, every decision. I’m driven by something different now than I have ever been before. Peace in my life. I’m just not capable of playing games or participating in anything or with anyone that isn’t genuine.

I’ve been struggling in my buddhist practices lately, not really following it or listening to myself.  I haven’t done yoga in a few days because I am in so much pain! But that’s stupid because I can modify the yoga. I have been trying to meditate but stillness isn’t coming easily to me right now. It’s like anything, when you don’t practice regularly you lose progress!

My MN house closes tomorrow. And then I don’t ever have to think about it again. I’ve decided to make the most of where I live and get some dental work done here (very reputable and cheap dentistry). I’m also going to get Dominican health insurance (once I find my effing passport) and find myself a rheumatologist. And finally, my goal is to really get myself in check nutritionally. I have a lot of work to do.

I’m not mad at him anymore. And I still have to find my damn passport.

PS – here are some pics of the house 🙂

From the front door

Look right and there’s the kitchen and the stairs going up

My tiny, so ugly it’s cute Dominican kitchen

Living room in progress. The couch is facing the yard and pool 

From the living room. To the right is an open deck. Left is a partially enclosed sunroom. 

Open deck to the right with the world’s most uncomfortable chairs ever!

The covered area where I have my morning coffee. 

Decor is coming out

Always the sign that I’m home. ❤ 

The pool tiles I mentioned in a previous blog! Almost done descaling them. 

Saw a cruise ship the other day! How fun is that? 

Peace,

~ Lisa

The Brain Behind this Operation

I’ve never written a blog (well at least I have never PUBLISHED a blog that was written) in the midst of a manic or frenetic state. Many times this state is physical like when I built a shed in 3 hours or redecorated my entire house in a couple of days, but it’s also mental. My brain just bounces. I probably could stop it, but I don’t. I give it time to sort out and if I’m ready for bed and it’s still going, I take a Xanax and fall asleep. NOT a panic attack, just a pretty intense period of insane brain activity going a million directions. A million things on my mind. And it’s all happening at once. So tonight I’m actually going to publish it – a live-time insight into my manic brain., as it happens.

There’s a gecko in my kitchen. He scares the shit out of me every time I walk in! I am not afraid of geckos. This guy is just unusually big and out of the corner of my eye it freaks me out.

The house walls are so dirty. For starters, everything in the house except for the kitchen is stark white. Not eggshell, not ivory, not linen. WHITE. You know, like an asylum? White doors, white floors, white walls, white banisters. WHITE (except creepy room #1 with the chalkboard wall). And did I mention they are dirty? I need to paint. I wonder what color? I would like a cool color since it’s so warm here. But I don’t know what that means. It is all an open space so it will be a lot of the same color with maybe an accent here or there. Gray won’t work with the floor because the tiles have a sepia-type hue to them. So I was thinking of going with a turquoise/chocolate brown color scheme, BUT a lot of the furniture is black wood. And what am I supposed to do with that funky space beneath the stairs?

I’m going to try and build up some freelance writing gigs! I REALLY hope I can pick up some work to help pay my rent 😊. I’m an experienced writer and my previous experience includes being Managing Editor of WestCoast Magazine, Senior copywriter/ Social Media coordinator for Regency Beauty Institute (National HQ writing for nationwide, not specific campuses), and too many freelance gigs to count. TOO MANY. I know AP and Chicago style, and I am also really experienced in helping establish brand voice and presence. I know marketing and I am just kind-of a kick-ass person to have on your side. So, if you or someone you know needs some help with writing copy, marketing collateral, articles, or consult/writing to establish your brand voice, hit me up.  😊 My Brain is for Hire 😊 Obviously it would need to be a remote position, but I’m super responsive. I would love to stay in the non-profit sector but I’m also really open to a change of scenery. My writing style is surprisingly adaptable. So hit me upppp!

There are a million other fleeting things in my brain right now:

• Why isn’t Nathan eating.
• BabyFaye is sad because Ranger Girl is spending the night at Debbie’s tonight.
• How am I going to get the pool scratches out that are underwater? The ones above water I can pumice away but that won’t work underwater. I wonder if I can just get a blue underwater epoxy and touch up the pool stairs myself?
• I can definitely get a screen kit and fix the screens. My body is so sore and I have zero stamina. Maybe tomorrow.
• I have to remember to go get a gas can and gas for the lawn mower tomorrow. Oh then maybe I will do the screens the next day. Thursday, yeah. No, Thursday is Give to the Max Day and I do a vigil all day online to steer the campaign as needed. So maybe Friday. Yeah, Friday. I’ll do the screens.
• I need to get my hair done.
• I hope the house in MN is “broom-swept”.
• Wow the house is no longer mine after Monday. I’m no longer a homeowner. It’s a weird feeling! Not good or bad. Just surprisingly in the front of my head a lot.
• I hope the internet guy can get that router I want so I can get US Netflix.
• I hope I pick up some writing work. Because that would be cool. I can sit on my patio or my balcony and see the ocean and write. Come ON.
• Give to the Max Day is Thursday. For those who don’t know, this is an annual day of Giving for non-profits in MN. I hope we do well. I don’t know what to expect as we are raising money for a whole new purpose this year! To help the dogs of the Dominican Republic.
• I’d REALLY love to get into marine life…I wonder if there’s a marine rescue? No I am not qualified for that…
• I am GOING to get the zika virus I just KNOW it. And those noseeums? My legs are on fire. I wonder if you can scratch yourself insane…
• House sells next week. I need a car. It feels amazing to have money in the bank for a few days between these transactions. 🙂

So there you have it! My brain right now. Fun? Scary? What’s your feedback?

In other news.

My driveway gate has been all messed up and tonight I think it’s FINALLY resolved. The gate is a double gate with a right and a left side that part in the center and open inward as you come into the driveway. Which means two separate hydraulic motors, one for each door. Well, I had a gate guy come to “tighten a bracket” last week and that turned into him fabricating a new one and that turned into the hydraulic things being out of whack and that turned into FOUR DAYS at my house and that turned into 4 days of my dogs being stuck inside on hot days, barking and going crazy. It sucked! But tonight…I think we FINALLY have it.

I’ve been descaling the pool. It was SO BAD. I will post before and after pics when it’s done. At first I thought the the tiles were ombre. From white to turquoise to green. NOPE. LOL They’re supposed to be all white. So I have been HAND scraping the lime/calcium off with a flathead screwdriver and a metal spatula :D!

I started my pills and I am SO. SICK. I remember why I stopped taking them in MN. The positive effects of methotrexate take 6-8 weeks to show. Unfortunately, the side effects do not. But I’m going to give this a chance.

The DR house is dirty and needs a LOT of work. BUT…I love it! I love where I am, the view is my constant therapy, I’m close to everything I need, the dogs are really happy with a great big yard, I’m really happy feeling safe. And I do love a good project. I had the gardener trim down a LOT of the shrubs and trees, one in particular has opened up the ocean view from the ENTIRE house now. You don’t have to go upstairs anymore. You can see the ocean from my entire downstairs. 😊

I’ve had some really sad moments recently and I’ve stumbled upon a few triggers of memories that caught me off-guard, but I’m doing a really good job of getting back up. I’m not staying down when I get knocked down. I’m still not really ready to talk about what is happening here. I’m doing fine. I love it here and I don’t want to leave. I rented this house for one year. If I still love it, I’ll stay. If I’m not happy, I will move back to the US, or maybe Mexico. Who knows! I am finding my peace and enjoying the house, I’m getting my things trickled down to me in small boxes, thanks to my friend Pat. It’s not a LOT of things in the big picture, but for example today I received a box that contained those clear lucite bins for makeup brushes and toothpaste and stuff. Plastic storage baskets too. Just stuff you like to have around and can be put to REALLY good use here.

And that, if you’ve stuck with me long enough, is my brain. I am used to the ticker-tape, and if it really bothers me I can get out of my own head, this isn’t uncontrollable. I like to let it run its course because the act of solving things and being able to put them to bed, lets ME go to bed. This isn’t new or anything to do with widowhood. It is just how I cope. When I feel helpless or that I have no control, I go into hyper mode and take on tasks because I can control that. I can control how perfectly the pool will be descaled. I can control when the screens go up. Baby steps but I’m in control of SOMETHING.  And I have solved many, many problems and come up with many, many great ideas working this way. It’s just who I am.

Thanks for reading if you’ve made it this far. I promise photos are coming. I’ve been on the couch for two days and not up for taking pics.

Peace,

Lisa

Poison Time

Well, here we go. Tonight I take the poison pills for the first time in almost a year.

In addition to lowering my immunity, the poison pills (technically they are chemo drugs) have black box warnings about destroying your body’s systems and organs. But hey, the good news is that according to Healthline, the more common side effects are:

• nausea or vomiting
• stomach pain or upset
• diarrhea
• hair loss
• tiredness
• dizziness
• chills
• headache
• sores in your lungs
• mouth sores
• painful skin sores
• bronchitis
• fever
• bruising more easily
• increased risk of infection
• sun sensitivity
• rash
• stuffy or runny nose and sore throat
• abnormal results on liver function tests (may indicate liver damage)
• low blood cell levels

Wish me luck as I start the hell treatments again in hopes that I can regain some function and be in less pain. I am losing my mind with the pain I’m in, and no pain meds for relief. I can’t sleep well at night because of the pain, and by the morning my hands are locked into fists that I cannot open. Also overnight, my achilles tendons tighten up and flattening my feet out to get out of bed, stand up and walk is so dang painful. I hate that I’m taking these damn pills again but I have no options.

I spent some time today prepping some food for the week so I won’t have to make a huge effort to eat or take care of myself when I’m not feeling well. Stocked up on things I may need, cleaned the house really well, and I’m ready. I have to take my foster girl to the vet tomorrow for x-rays, but other than that nothing needs to be done outside the house.

I’m feeling pretty sad tonight. Sad about this, but also sad about my rescue. Sad about my situation. Sad about how much has changed. Sad about the start I’ve had here. Sad about some relationships. Sad about lots of stuff.  I’m going to take this handful of pills and go to bed early. I’m planning to meditate and then watch something stupid on Netflix.

Tomorrow is a new day. I’ll be okay. ❤

Cold November

Wow. The beginning of the end of this chapter in my life. The MN chapter. This is was our home.

The whole sale of the house has been a pretty okay process. It was a hard decision but I haven’t been struggling since I listed it. Until tonight when I needed to dig up some paperwork. Paperwork in the dreaded file.

What’s in this file of fun? Oh, nothing much. Just a play-by-play of my husband’s death. Social Security stuff, Death Certificates (EVERYONE told me to order a LOT and now I can wallpaper a room with them), Mortgage Info, cremation forms. The receipt for the Lyons Club where we held his memorial and yes even the receipts for the food and desserts. The pieces of his existence, summarized in a purple fucking file folder.

The other dreaded file is in a dreaded box with everything from his memorial. I’m not going there.

Anyway, this week has been HECTIC. I LOVE the house but it’s a lot of work and needs a lot of work done right off the bat – which is okay, I’m getting it for cheap. But that requires workmen. I needed new water heaters, internet, major lawn work, gate repaired. I also have a house manager-type person who feels the need to have a lengthy phone call about each one of these things, and if she cannot reach me, she comes over. Each one of these is an hours-long ordeal with the dogs barking and me not being able to catch a break, and I realize. My physical deterioration is rapid. Just ONE day like that is wiping me out, but several in a week have me completely and utterly fried. I woke up this morning not being able to bend my hands and that never improved. All over body pain that’s more than just aches. PAIN. Add to that, we are trying to wrap some things up for the rescue in MN and that’s not going super smoothly. I’m also dealing with people’s emotions and thoughts on MY choices and how those choices affect THEM, and a lot of emotions about what is happening here that I have chosen not to write a lot about. Someday.

It’s no secret that stress wreaks havoc on a person but when you have an auto immune disease, it’s especially important to manage your stress levels. I need things to slow down. I need to rest.

I’m feeling overwhelmed. My house sale in MN is closing in 10 days. My rescue is clearing everything out of the space we worked so hard to get into. Pieces of my life. Pieces of our history together. Our home goods sold. Our rescue stuff sold. Our home sold.

It all feels like it never existed. Like we never existed. When he first died, I hoped it was a nightmare I would wake from. And now it feels like a dream that never happened in the first place. 😥

And now I’m in a place I love, but I regret coming. I am here and I will make this work and I will be happy. But knowing now what I didn’t know then, I wouldn’t have come. I wouldn’t have found myself thousands of miles away from anyone who loves me, or from getting a prescription for the pain management I need. I wouldn’t have trusted people the way I did. I would have honored my gut to not make any decisions for a year. That doesn’t mean I am miserable here. I’m not. I just miss being around people who know and accept me and who love me. I have a few really kind friends here, and I am thinking about how I’m going to spend the rest of my life. It’s scary and exciting at once. The one beautiful thing about having no roots anywhere is that I now have the freedom to go anywhere I please.

For now, it’s here. Missing him and watching tiny pieces of our history and my heart blow away into the wind.

~ Lisa

The Shanty Part I/ Other life stuff

Good evening. 🙂 Settling into the house continues, but tonight I’ll take you on the Creepy tour.

There are lots of quirks in the house that make it fun. I’ve been finding relics around the place that indicate perhaps an older woman lived here. And of course the creepy stuff just adds to the mystique. lol

Where to start. Let’s start with the front of the house, and the room right here.

From the outside, you’d think it would be lovely. Ocean view, nice windows and a cross breeze. But nah, it feels very eerie and creepy. It’s got an old armoire in it and nothing else. It finally occurred to me last night, I need a rocking chair and a mannequin because this is clearly where Norman Bates’ mom should be sitting.

Then there’s another creepy room where I’ve decided all the ugly stuff belongs. There’s no light in the room, the wall is chalkboard, and I don’t know why else but it’s creepy. And so is the stuff I’m moving into it. How many fake plants does one need, really? And how about the creepy all plastic grandfather clock?

Then there’s the cellar under the waterfall. Great place for hiding bodies.

See the white stairs next to Cass? Going underground?

 

Yes it’s as creepy as it looks. It’s dark and damp and loud. It’s where the pool equipment is. 

I guess the last creepy thing, is how many opportunities there are to crack your face open. Like, a LOT of opportunities. So stay tuned for future posts of me cracking my face open.

The bathrooms have steps UP. INTO the bathroom. Great for midnight face-cracking-opening. 

Master Bath deathtrap. Who does this? 

I call these “the invisible steps”. Because, look. 

Another favorite! This is at the top of my staircase. 16 steps of hard tile down from here. Great for early mornings carrying Bella down the steps. Commence face-cracking!

 

In other news, today was a big day for me. I announced publicly that I am no longer going to be leading my rescue Good Karma, and that the DR rescue is taking operations over. It was a hard announcement to write and I was so touched and surprised with the most powerful, kind, loving emails from supporters and adopters, most of whom I never met. I’ll talk more about those soon.

From my volunteers: nothing. Silence. I poured my heart out to them. Explained how difficult things have been. Silence.

Things in the DR are going well for me. I’m super happy in the creepy quirky house and I will show you the beautiful things about it tomorrow. If I don’t crack my face open before then. 😉

Peace.

~ Lisa